ASKE Free Psychic & Pseudoscientific Services
Saving the public bucket loads of cash and putting an end to world conflict!
(A series of brief articles by Tony Youens in his own inimitable style.)
Please select your preferred irrational belief by clicking one of the following:
ASKE all-purpose homeopathic cure
Now of course we can't promise you anything definite as to a cure but we can give you a chance to test homeopathy's effectiveness before spending your hard-earned cash on what might possibly be a useless remedy. So here's the deal. We have connected our own all-purpose homeopathic treatment to the mains water supply here in the UK. So to be cured, all you have to do is turn on the tap. You can drink it, bathe in it, or even use it to make tasty hot beverages such as tea and coffee. If your garden plants are looking a bit wilted then give them some of the treatment. Also suitable for household pets.
We are currently looking at producing a special dispensing vessel to ensure you get the most from our 'medicine' but in the meantime try and get by just using a drinking glass. Check back for an expensive introductory offer. In scientific tests our treatment, indeed homeopathy as a whole, was proved to be the equal to any known form of placebo.
What is the difference between homeopathic treatment and water?
Try these links:
Mediumship and Psychic Advice
We have a message for someone here. There's an elderly gentleman who wants to communicate with you. He was a very energetic person in his youth and had a tremendous sense of humour. He had a great deal of common sense and was generally the backbone of the family. He was very fond of animals, particularly dogs and (he's telling me to be honest with you here) he was also fond of his pint.
Tragically just towards the end of his life he lost a lot of weight and he's pointing towards his abdominal area so I think the cause of his death was related to that. At the end he went very quickly. Does that make sense for you dear?
He says you are concerned over a legal matter but that you mustn't worry. Providing you're honest and keep a close eye on things it will all work out for the best. He's also telling me you should watch out for someone called 'David' or 'Dave' (could be 'Davis') who could create some difficulties for you. Oh, and the health problem that's been worrying you will turn out just fine in the end - but you should make a point of looking after yourself. He also says don't bother going to any mediums because they're all making it up. He's tried loads of them and when he tells them, "Please tell Margaret it's me George and that I had a mole on my neck and I died of lung cancer due to smoking 40 a day, "They translate this as, 'I have a lovely lady here who wants me to pass on her love to you'." Frankly he's beginning to think they're making it up as they go along.
If you have any worries about the future please come back and read the above free of charge any time you like. Meanwhile read the following to see if George has a point:
James Randi: The Art of Cold Reading
Astrology
For birthdays between March 31st and March 30th:
Wednesday will be a good day to mix with people in a social context and may bring many benefits that are not immediately apparent. Try not to let minor aches and pains get you down. These will soon pass but if you let then restrict you, you may find you miss some good opportunities.
Don't allow friends to distract you from your goals; keep focused on what is important but be prepared to help out a partner or loved one towards the end of the week. Your dominant planet is currently Neptune* which is a giant gas planet so there is a good chance of flatulence next month. The length of a day on Neptune in Earth hours is only 19.1 so it's probably best to have an early night.
September will be a good month to consider launching a new business although if you place too much emphasis on astrological forecasts you may find that you become depressed by the end of the year. If possible try to avoid pseudoscientific gobbledegook such as astrology until at least 2026 when the planets will be in a more favourable celestial framework.
Please contact ASKE if you require expensive astrological business advice and have more money than sense.
*See: Neptune for more information.
Once again have a look at The Skeptic's Dictionary on Astrology.
Healing Service
We offer absent healing to anyone who wants it. It is achieved (like most things paranormal) by the transmission of an unknown, undetectable but scientific-sounding 'energy'. Every morning before the day gets busy give yourself some quality time and follow these instructions carefully....
- Log on to this site, place you hand on top of your computer monitor and try to concentrate on the positive aspects of your life.
- Picture yourself lying relaxed and naked in a field of beautiful green grass and feel the heat of the sun gently warming your skin.
- See yourself getting dressed, leaving the field and contacting a qualified doctor. See yourself listening to his or her advice.
- Don't smoke.
- Try not to become obese.
- Visualise yourself avoiding those who are obviously quacks and can't actually heal sod all.
- Before you try alternative medicine have a look at these sites:
Dowsing
We intend to specialise in dowsing for oil and gold and we have a no-win, no-fee policy on this. Regarding water, we made a decision not to take part in this less well-paid end of the market because in the UK you can more or less dig anywhere and find the stuff in abundance. Frankly when we tried with a stick it twitched all over the place.
We can also test other dowsers for large corporations who may want to save themselves time, money and embarrassment before handing over their liquid assets.
(Seriously, ASKE will consider testing for dowsing ability: see The ASKE Paranormal Challenge)
See also on this site Oh, to be a Dowser! and:
Feng Shui
Throw out as much clutter a possible, stick in a wind chime or two, add a water feature and you may well get one of the following benefits:
- A longer life
- A better job
- Some money might come your way
- You'll find an ideal partner
- Be generally at peace with the universe
- Not get knocked down by a bus
On the other hand, there is a real possibility that things will stay exactly as they are. However we must emphasise that if anything positive occurs at all we take the credit!
Once more, The Skeptic's Dictionary enlightens us.