ASKE Free Psychic & Pseudoscientific Services

(A series of brief articles by Tony Youens in his own inimitable style)

Saving the public bucket loads of cash and putting an end to world conflict!

Please select your preferred irrational belief by clicking one of of the following....

Homeopathic cure
Mediumship & psychic advice
Astrology
Healing Service
Dowsing
Feng Shui
God

ASKE all-purpose homeopathic cure Now of course we can't promise you anything definite as to a cure but we can give you a chance to test homeopathy's effectiveness before spending your hard earned cash on what might possibly be a useless remedy. So here's the deal. We have connected our own all-purpose homeopathic treatment to the mains water supply here in the UK. So to be cured all you have to do is turn on the tap. You can drink it, bathe in it or even use it to make tasty hot beverages such as tea and coffee. If your garden plants are looking a bit wilted then give them some of the treatment. Also suitable for household pets.

We are currently looking at producing a special dispensing vessel to ensure you get the most from our 'medicine' but in the meantime try and get by just using a drinking glass. Check back for an expensive introductory offer. In scientific tests our treatment, indeed homeopathy as a whole, was proved to be the equal to any known form of placebo

What is the difference between homeopathic treatment and water?


Try these links:

The Skeptic's Dictionary
Quackwatch
Mediumship and Psychic Advice.
We have a message for someone here. There's an elderly gentleman who wants to communicate with you. He was a very energetic person in his youth and had a tremendous sense of humour. He had a great deal of common sense and was generally the backbone of the family. He was very fond of animals, particularly dogs and (he's telling me to be honest with you here) he was also fond of his pint.

Tragically just towards the end of his life he lost a lot of weight and he's pointing towards his abdominal area so I think the cause of his death was related to that. At the end he went very quickly. Does that make sense for you dear?

He says you are concerned over a legal matter but that you mustn't worry. Providing you're honest and keep a close eye on things it will all work out for the best. He's also telling me you should watch out for someone called 'David' or 'Dave' (could be 'Davis') who could create some difficulties for you. Oh and the health problem that's been worrying you will turn out just fine in the end - but you should make a point of looking after yourself. He also says don't bother going to any mediums because they're all making it up. He's tried loads of them and when he tells them, "Please tell Maragret it's me George and that I had a mole on my neck and I died of lung cancer due to smoking 40 a day." They translate this as, "I have an lovely lady here who wants me to pass on her love to you." Frankly he's beginning to think they're making it up as they go along.

If you have any worries about the future please come back and read the above free of charge any time you like. Meanwhile read the following to see if George has a point.

Before you see a Psychic

If you are a medium who is genuine George asks you try our test here.

The Sisyphus Prize
James Randi - The Art of Cold Reading

Astrology

For birthdays between March 31st and March 30th.
Wednesday will be a good day to mix with people in a social context and may bring many benefits that are not immediately apparent. Try not to let minor aches and pains get you down. These will soon pass but if you let then restrict you you may find you miss some good opportunities.

Don't allow friends to distract you from your goals, keep focused on what is important but be prepared to help out a partner or loved one towards the end of the week. Your dominant planet is currently Neptune* which is a giant gas planet so there is a good chance of flatulence next month. The length of a day on Neptune in Earth hours is only 19.1 so it's probably best to have an early night.

September will be a good month to consider launching a new business although if you place too much emphasis on astrological forecasts you may find that you become depressed by the end of the year. If possible try to avoid pseudoscientific gobbledegook such as astrology until at least 2006 when the planets will be in a more favourable celestial framework.

Please contact ASKE if you require expensive astrological business advice and have more money than sense.

See: Neptune for more information.

Once again have a look at The Skeptic's Dictionary on Astrology

Healing Service
We offer absent healing to anyone who wants it. It is achieved (like most things paranormal) by the transmission of an unknown, undetectable but scientific-sounding 'energy'. Every morning before the the day gets busy give yourself some quality time and follow these instructions carefully....
  • Log on to this site, place you hand on top of your computer monitor and try to concentrate on the positive aspects of your life.
  • Picture yourself lying relaxed and naked in a field of beautiful green grass and feel the heat of the sun gently warming your skin.
  • See yourself getting dressed, leaving the field and contacting a qualified doctor. See yourself listening to his or her advice.
  • Don't smoke.
  • Try not to become obese.
  • Visualise yourself avoiding those who are are obviously quacks and can't actually heal sod all.
Before you try alternative medicine have a look at these sites: HealthWatch Quackwatch



Dowsing
We intend to specialise in dowsing for oil and gold and we have a no-win, no-fee policy on this. Regarding water we made a decision not to take part in this less well paid end of the market because in the UK you can more or less dig anywhere and find the stuff in abundance. Frankly when we tried with a stick it twitched all over the place.

We can also test other dowsers for large corporations who may want to save themselves time, money and embarrassment before handing over their liquid assets. Contact ASKE now!

James Randi on Dowsing
Feng Shui
Throw out as much clutter a possible, stick in a wind chime or two, add a water feature and you may well get one of the following benefits;
  • A longer life.
  • A better job.
  • Some money might come your way.
  • You'll find an ideal partner.
  • Be generally at peace with the universe.
  • Not get knocked down by a bus.
On the other hand there is a real posibility that things will stay exactly as they are. However we must emphasise that if anything positive occurs at all we take the credit!

Once more the The Skeptic's Dictionary enlightens us.

God
Religion seems to be the root cause of most of the world's problems and indications are we are better off without it. However some people need this sort of thing so in an attempt to bring about world peace we have made up our own entirely fictitious God. In fact this is probably the only thing our God has in common with everybody else's. We urge people of all nations to become 'Unitarians' by embracing our all new 'Uni-God'.

A few words about Uni-God....
  • Uni-god in a woman.
  • She really doesn't mind if you don't worship her. It's up to you entirely. To be perfectly honest she finds such toadying to be rather embarrassing. Get a life!
  • She isn't quite omnipotent but pretty damn close.
  • She explains the problem of evil by admitting that our Universe was a bit of an experiment. The others she has since created have turned out much better. She really can't apologise enough.
  • She does not hate homosexuals.
  • There is absolutely no need to have blasphemy laws as she is much smarter than us and quite frankly too powerful to be bothered by such trivia. You can insult her with impunity and when she says she is forgiving she really does mean it.
  • She does not require you to spend any money on her at all.
  • She has never sent any of her offspring to die for our sins. She feels that the mere fact that she could give birth at all to be metaphysically complicated, especially at her age and secondly it would be utterly pointless.
  • She can in fact create a rock so hard that she cannot break it but she's only managed to do it once. She still has the rock to prove it.
  • When asked awkward questions about her causation she says it's something to do with quantum psychics.
  • She has decided that the basic rule of human conduct should be as described by Bill & Ted (see B&T's Excellent Adventure) namely... "Be excellent to one another."
  • Due to a very heavy workload Uni-God regrets she cannot answer prayers personally. She feels that things will turn out better if we try to get along with each other and sort out our own problems in an adult fashion rather than put all our hopes in a supernatural entity. Sadly she admits that there is no life after death and that there is no point at all in dying as a martyr.
  • Lastly she has promised (in a dream) that if we all get behind her she will perform a miracle. The preferred miracle currently chosen by her disciples is that chocolate should no longer be fattening.

Latest from Uni-God:
She wishes to clear up the confusion about contraception. It really isn't a problem. Sex doesn't have to happen just for procreation - it can be quite fun too. Therefore the wearing of a rubber item on a penis is okay. It stops unwanted pregnancies and helps prevent the transmission of Aids. In fact she thinks it is utterly immoral to insist that people are not allowed to wear them. Why anyone would think she could possibly be offended is completely beyond her. (You can infer from this she is not omniscient either.)

Meanwhile if you think you can get by without a God you might try one of these.

National Secular Society

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